Why Twilight Sucked

I figured that for my first post, I would talk about a movie I watched last night. Now, I'd heard that Twilight sucked from a lot of people but I had to know for sure. Within the first minute, I immediately regretted said decision. Let's begin.

Twilight is based off of a ridiculously popular book series about these vampires named the Cullens and this human chick named Bella who basically turns out to be their pet. Why is it so popular? I have no clue. Here's a list of basic facts you should know about Twilight before you continue this review or even think about renting the movie.

1. They can move about in daylight. When the sun hits their skin, it "looks like diamonds" (really).
2. The Cullens don't drink the blood of humans. They hunt animals.
   
3. The Cullens only make vampires out of people who are dying so they don't force the "burden" they bear on anyone unwilling.
4. You become a vampire due to "venom" from their fangs.
5. Oh wait, they don't have fucking fangs.

Okay, so, not only are they breaking every single vampire rule ever created, but they didn't even improve on vampiric theory. They destroyed it. Their skin looks like diamonds? In sunlight!? Really? Is that what happens? I'm pretty sure if you've seen or read any vampire related thing ever, their skin doesn't look like diamonds. No, I'm pretty sure their skin bursts into fucking flames. Then, to add insult to injury, they don't drink the blood of humans. Are you kidding me? There's only one other vampire I can think of that hunted animals and it was Louis from Interview with the Vampire. And it wasn't because he took this pussy, non-human-hunting vampire oath. It's because he wasn't ready to kill humans yet. But eventually, he did. Why? Because that's what real vampires do. Another thing real vampires do is not give a shit, about anything. Let alone whether or not their prey is "willing" to become a vampire or not. Most of the time, vampires could just care less. Why? Because they're fucking badasses. That's why. What with their powers, heightened senses, fangs--oh wait. The vampires in Twilight don't have fangs. I will repeat that. The vampires in Twilight don't have fucking fangs. The one staple in vampire history that you do not fuck with, and easily the most recognizable attribute of any monster, are the fangs of a vampire. And they don't have them. Great. So armed with this knowledge, we can look to the movie. Here we go...

"I had never given much thought to how I would die. But dying in the place of someone I love seems like a pretty good way to go."

No, really. That's the first line. It was about this time that I MacGyvered up a device to allow myself to finish this train wreck. If I was going to watch this, I was in for the long haul.


The narrator of this entire thing is Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), a girl from Phoenix who moves up to bumfuck Washington State to live with her dad because her mom's a whore. Not really, but I like to pretend that's why she moved. So she goes to this new school where all the dudes hit on her cause they're tired of banging their family members in such a small town, but she's just so oblivious because she's so normal. Then she meets Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), the "weird but gorgeous boy" who keeps to himself and who hilariously treats her like shit. Well, more specifically, treats her like she smells like shit. She gets pissed, blah, blah, blah. Same old story. Then they start flirting in Biology one day over the stages of mitosis of onion stalks. Because nothing gets me going like the division of cells in onions. That same day Bella almost gets hit by an out of control van but is saved by, you guessed it, Edward Cullen. Here's a clip:



Wow. How lucky. So after that, Bella basically falls head over heels for her savior. Which is weird considering he starts wearing this weird Nazi looking overcoat everywhere after that and staring at her like David Blaine stares at the camera after every trick he does.




They wind up dating and all that nonsense. And then, in the middle of the movie, I hear this line:

"About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him, and I didn't know how dominate that part might be, that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."

Are you joking? No. Really, like, are you kidding me? First and foremost, what 17 year old girl uses the word irrevocably? Like, ever. Second, you're positive he's a vampire? Was it the diamond skin or the lack of fangs that tipped you off? I pretty much threw up after I heard that. Then came the baseball game.

Bella goes to play baseball with the Cullens during a thunderstorm, like every normal family often does. They have to play during storms because they're just so strong being vampires and all, that the immense crack of the ball off the bat can only be covered up by thunder. Give me a break. Then, dun dun DUN! The bad vampires come. And by bad, I meant real.

Throughout the whole movie, these weird murders have been occurring where people are getting "attacked by animals", which is code for "falling prey to badass vampires". So la dee da, thunderstorm baseball game is going swimmingly then BAM these badasses come out of the woods:



So Kurt Cobain, Will.i.am and Bjork turn out to be the murderers that the humans have deemed animal attacks. Surprise. So then they're like hey can we play? Because apparently baseball after feasting is like a cigarette after sex for vampires. And the Cullens are like...I mean...I guess. But whoops, the badasses smell Bella and this huge battle ensues. Oh wait. I'm sorry, that's what would've happened if this was a real vampire movie. Nope. They smell her then pretty much give them the cliche villain "heh, we'll see you later." and everyone walks away. Really.

Since they really got into character and plot development, it would make sense that the villains made it their mission at the perils of death to kill Bella when they're literally surrounded by a town of other humans they could kill. So the Cullens decide they have to run Bella back to Arizona where she'll be safe. She's not.

Kurt Cobain finds Bella and lures her to this ballet studio she used to dance at with all these mirrors so she can't tell where he is. Which is so original for a final showdown to somehow involve mirrors (See Enter the Dragon, The Man with the Golden Gun and uh, every action/horror movie of all time).

So Kurt Cobain is about to kill her, then shockingly, Edward shows up. A really dumb fight scene occurs which just winds up looking like a gay-undead porno. I half expected the guys to kiss while they were grappling. So, again shockingly, Edward wins the fight, saves the day and they go back to Washington to live happily ever after. But first things first: Prom night!


Yeah. They really ended it like that. Then Bjork shows up at the prom to make room for a sequel. God help us.

There are few movies I can remember that I simply sat there with my mouth agape as the credits rolled. Twilight was one of those films. The sheer stupidity makes my brain ache. Years from now on my death bed, my kids will ask me "Dad? Do you regret anything?" and I'll say, "Yes children. I regret wasting a dollar at redbox to see Twilight and the 122 minutes I will never, ever get back." And then I'll die. Because my brain will explode remembering such a fucktastically awful film at such an old age. Thanks Twilight. You just killed an old man.