Why Bruno Sucked

pe⋅nis (pinɪs) - the male organ of copulation and, in mammals, of urinary excretion. Also referred to as something I really, really don't need to see in a movie ever, ever again. Ever.

If you're looking for one of the reasons Bruno sucked, then please look no further than that definition. I cannot stress to you how absolutely scarred I am from this film is oh, so many ways. Let's begin.

So for this review, I found it necessary to create a way to monitor how absolutely gay the film was. As such, I've created this:

Throughout the review, I will be keeping you posted on the gayness via the handy dandy Gay - O - Meter. But first, some preliminary facts one should know before continuing. This is mostly for the ladies in the audience to fully understand the straight man's fear...of other men.

This is what all straight men are reduced to at the sight of another man's penis for more than .046 seconds as recorded in a study by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater and his colleague James Westfall. (not pictured: the brick he just shat) Needless to say, Bruno has a lot of dick in it. Like, .046 seconds is a joke to this film. If every straight guy saw Bruno in 1906, the male populous could have collectively shit enough bricks to rebuild San Fra ncisco after the quake. But now, in 2009, this is pretty much what happened to every guy who's seen Bruno:

Yeah. So now that you know that seeing this film is about as safe as getting in a barfight with Michael Ironside, we can continue into plot and all the spoilers!

Bruno, shockingly, is about Bruno (Sacha Baron Cohen) a fashion correspondent and host of the fashion show "Funkyzeit". From Klagenfurt, Austria, Bruno is the hottest, gay 19 year old in every German speaking country...except Germany. He dates a pygmy Asian named Diesel. I will repeat that. Bruno dates a pygmy Asian named Diesel. Now, that's fine and all but, do I really need to see them fucking? Like...really? I was on the verge of tears. No, not from laughter. But from the development of the fear of pygmy Asians trying to violate my chili ring with a dildo attached to an excercise bike or, by its technical nam e: Deargodthoseexceedlinglytinymotherfuckersarecomingtogetmewhileislumberphobia. Oh, and I wasn't kidding about the exercise bike with a dildo attached. They really put that in a movie. Thanks Caligula.

So after the fiasco of wearing a Velcro suit at fashion week in Milan (like in the preview! How funny that a movie would show the only mildly funny parts it has in its preview!), Bruno is ostracized from the fashion world and sets out to become a celebrity in America. Diesel dumps Bruno in the airport, that scary pygmy freak, so Bruno leaves with his assistant's assistant Lutz, who is also clearly gay.

They make it to LA where Bruno decides to be an actor. After a contrived and clearly staged audition in front of one of Hollywood's most prestigious agents, he opts to be a talk show host instead, interviewing celebrities. It was at this point that I began to feel sick, as any straight man often does in a situation where they are forced to look at another man's hangdown.

They do a screening of Bruno's pitch for a show to an oblivious focus group. So it's almost funny, awkward dancing, weird accents, har har har, the n BOOM! A dick, 1,000 x's its normal size being projected onto the screen. Spinning, flopping and everything you never, ever want to see. Then it "looks" at you and it screams BRUNO! Yes, the dick talks and it talks directly to you, the audience member.

I'm not sure if it's possible to develop PTSD from a movie, but I'm almost certain I have. I wake up in a cold sweat, shaking, clawing at the walls and windows screaming about talking dicks and meat spins. It started with Something About Mary. How'd you get your beans over your frank? Yeah, show that disgusting nub coming out of your fly Ben Stiller, that'll break the bank. Then, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Awesome movie, except, for the copious amount of dick. What is it with you people? Are there avid movie goers writing to producers saying, you know what...I might have liked your movie but, there was a marked lack of penii. Fuck you.

Meanwhile, Bruno, after his pitch fails (surprise) decides to turn to charity. So he goes to the middle east to resolve the whole Israel/Palestine conflict. It's a wonder he didn't get a scimtar shoved up his ass over there by the way he acted. May be if I go for the ultimate shock factor, and call random civilians terrorists in the middle east, people will like my movie! No Sacha. You're a dumbass.

I'm not going to even go into detail on the next part beca use if you've been in earshot of a TV for the past year, you've heard:

"...I decided to give the baby like, a traditional African name: OJ."

"WHAT!?"

He has a black baby and is racially slurring in front of an all black audience! HAHAHA! Whoa! Start up the roflcopter cause im falling off my lolerblades from laughing so hard! Come on kit kat, give me a fucking break. How starved for humor is our society when we start to find such blatant attacks hilarious? Humor is supposed to be subtle and sharp, not this bullshit bulldozer approach. Hitler would've been proud of your comical blitzkrieg, Bruno. Dolt.

Back to the story, child services take OJ away. As a result, Bruno commits carbocide (eating copious amounts of pie, seriously stop, you're getting too funny). Lutz finds him and carries him back to the hotel room. They wake up handcuffed in a homoerotic position. So obviously they had to get on a crowded bus. Because public transportation isn't shitty enough.

They get in a fight because Lutz is in love with Bruno and Bruno says he had Carbgoggles on so he had no clue what he was doing. Carbgoggles. Ugh. Seriously, I'm gonna have a coronary if I laugh any harder. They split up. Bruno decides that the only way he can be famous is if he becomes straight. Is...is that light at the end of the tunnel? The Gay - O - Meter actually started to go down!

So in order to be straight, Bruno decides to go to a swinger's party, then go hunting with a group of redneck hunters. Because there are few things as manly as double stuffing a chick then shooting a 12 point buck for dessert. Yes, that's what Europeans think Americans do on the weekends. Once again, thanks for the too true social commentary Cohen.

After both attempts fail at turning Bruno straight (surprise) he spends 8 months becoming a UFC fighter named Straight Dave whose mantra consists of such golden phrases as "Fuck Faggots" and "I hate faggots". Do I smell another social commentary? Yes! Yes I do! Oh how you've outdone yourself this time Sacha! How quaint.

Amidst the choruses echoing Straight Dave's queerbashing, someone in the crowd calls him a faggot. He calls him out. ::gasp:: IT'S LUTZ! So Lutz gets in the octagon to duke it out with Straight Dave. They fight, then....no....no it can't be....yes. Yes, Lutz and Bruno start making out and ripping each others' clothes off. It gets too graphic to continue describing. I will leave this as the wrap up to the plot:

(not pictured: the consequent explosion of the Gay - O - Meter from sheer overload)

So that's the whole movie.

Now listen, I understand that Sacha Baron Cohen's style is to go for the low punches for sheer shock value but under the guise of social commentary? That's low, even for him. He's making bank off of the fact that people will go pay to see him say all the terrible things you think when you're pissed off and want to take out your aggression on someone of a different race, religion or sexual preference. Admittedly, it is funny some of the time. But think back to Borat, everyone criticized him for saying or doing all the things he did. How did he respond? He was trying to show the world how insensitive America was to other cultures and countries in general. He laughed all the way to the bank, making fun of the very people who were paying to see the movie. He was blatantly coming out and calling the audiences of America dumb and they ate that shit up. Hilarious right? Now Bruno (what's with the B names by the way?) is telling us how insensitive we are to gay people. But instead of doing it with wit or any semblance of intelligence, he went the lowbrow route and bombarded the audience with gratuitously homosexual situations which just come off as off putting instead of funny. It's just an awkward film that he will tell the media he is using as a device to educate the world. It's fucking low and he'll make more money than you can imagine.

The moral: Bruno fucking sucks and so does Sacha Baron Cohen.