Why Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince Didn't Suck

Movies based on books suck. It's a rule of cinema. I mean think about it, The Time Machine starring Guy Pierce? War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise? Okay, maybe it's just a rule that adaptations of H.G. Wells' books have to make me gag, but still, book-movies suck. You know what Harry Potter's response to that rule was? Here's an actual statement from the screenplay writer:

"Fuck that. I don't care how long Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is, we're gonna stay true to the book goddamnit."

Then they punched an old woman in the face. Why? Who cares. It's all about the spirit.

If you're into the books, I don't need to get into the plot for you. But if you're not, here's a list of reasons you should go anyway. I present, the Top 5 Reasons Harry Potter Kicked Ass Even If You Don't Know What A Muggle Is:



5. Homoerotic Double Entendres/Awkward Sexual Statements



This was just too funny to ignore, even for a HP fan. Dumbledore (the old guy) says the absolute most NAMBLA worthy lines in this film that I couldn't help but laugh. My favorite game to play was substituting the word "apparate" with "have gay sex". For example:

Harry (catching his breath): I've never...had gay sex before.
Dumbledore: I'm surprised. People usually vomit their first time.
Harry: I can't imagine why...

The entire movie was like that. Even worse was when there was no substitution. Just awkward conversation and/or camera placement. I won't ruin it but definitely pay attention. Tying shoes has never been hotter.

4. Terrible Acting



With all due respect to the casting director, the kids look spot on. It's just a shame that absolutely none of them can act. On second thought, no it's awesome none of them can act. Because if you get bored, you can just laugh at that. Look for monologues, internal realizations and crying scenes. People walking by would think you're in a Ben Stiller movie by the high decibels of laughter coming from the theater....if Ben Stiller were funny.

3. Emma Watson


Trouble indeed. That is all.

2. British People


British people make everything better. Their soothing accents, their general who gives a fuck attitude, their teeth. Hell, America was founded by British people. Which was one heck of an improvement over those gross Native Americans. I mean, I'd rather get small pox than live in a Wigwam all year, am I right? Eh? Eh?

1. Harry Potter Freaks



If for no other reason, go to see these people. They will all at once scare, allure and mystify you. They'll laugh at the stupidest jokes in the movie, you know, the ones meant for six year olds who can just manage to remember what they ate for lunch two days ago. Just don't hit on any or else you might get this sort of attention:

"My dog likes peanut butter. What's your name?"

So for all you Harry Potter fans, the movie was pretty good. For all you non-fans, you have your reasons to go anyway. I think I've said all there is to say.

Moral: Muggles rule.