Why Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince Didn't Suck

Movies based on books suck. It's a rule of cinema. I mean think about it, The Time Machine starring Guy Pierce? War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise? Okay, maybe it's just a rule that adaptations of H.G. Wells' books have to make me gag, but still, book-movies suck. You know what Harry Potter's response to that rule was? Here's an actual statement from the screenplay writer:

"Fuck that. I don't care how long Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is, we're gonna stay true to the book goddamnit."

Then they punched an old woman in the face. Why? Who cares. It's all about the spirit.

If you're into the books, I don't need to get into the plot for you. But if you're not, here's a list of reasons you should go anyway. I present, the Top 5 Reasons Harry Potter Kicked Ass Even If You Don't Know What A Muggle Is:



5. Homoerotic Double Entendres/Awkward Sexual Statements



This was just too funny to ignore, even for a HP fan. Dumbledore (the old guy) says the absolute most NAMBLA worthy lines in this film that I couldn't help but laugh. My favorite game to play was substituting the word "apparate" with "have gay sex". For example:

Harry (catching his breath): I've never...had gay sex before.
Dumbledore: I'm surprised. People usually vomit their first time.
Harry: I can't imagine why...

The entire movie was like that. Even worse was when there was no substitution. Just awkward conversation and/or camera placement. I won't ruin it but definitely pay attention. Tying shoes has never been hotter.

4. Terrible Acting



With all due respect to the casting director, the kids look spot on. It's just a shame that absolutely none of them can act. On second thought, no it's awesome none of them can act. Because if you get bored, you can just laugh at that. Look for monologues, internal realizations and crying scenes. People walking by would think you're in a Ben Stiller movie by the high decibels of laughter coming from the theater....if Ben Stiller were funny.

3. Emma Watson


Trouble indeed. That is all.

2. British People


British people make everything better. Their soothing accents, their general who gives a fuck attitude, their teeth. Hell, America was founded by British people. Which was one heck of an improvement over those gross Native Americans. I mean, I'd rather get small pox than live in a Wigwam all year, am I right? Eh? Eh?

1. Harry Potter Freaks



If for no other reason, go to see these people. They will all at once scare, allure and mystify you. They'll laugh at the stupidest jokes in the movie, you know, the ones meant for six year olds who can just manage to remember what they ate for lunch two days ago. Just don't hit on any or else you might get this sort of attention:

"My dog likes peanut butter. What's your name?"

So for all you Harry Potter fans, the movie was pretty good. For all you non-fans, you have your reasons to go anyway. I think I've said all there is to say.

Moral: Muggles rule.

Why Bruno Sucked

pe⋅nis (pinɪs) - the male organ of copulation and, in mammals, of urinary excretion. Also referred to as something I really, really don't need to see in a movie ever, ever again. Ever.

If you're looking for one of the reasons Bruno sucked, then please look no further than that definition. I cannot stress to you how absolutely scarred I am from this film is oh, so many ways. Let's begin.

So for this review, I found it necessary to create a way to monitor how absolutely gay the film was. As such, I've created this:

Throughout the review, I will be keeping you posted on the gayness via the handy dandy Gay - O - Meter. But first, some preliminary facts one should know before continuing. This is mostly for the ladies in the audience to fully understand the straight man's fear...of other men.

This is what all straight men are reduced to at the sight of another man's penis for more than .046 seconds as recorded in a study by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater and his colleague James Westfall. (not pictured: the brick he just shat) Needless to say, Bruno has a lot of dick in it. Like, .046 seconds is a joke to this film. If every straight guy saw Bruno in 1906, the male populous could have collectively shit enough bricks to rebuild San Fra ncisco after the quake. But now, in 2009, this is pretty much what happened to every guy who's seen Bruno:

Yeah. So now that you know that seeing this film is about as safe as getting in a barfight with Michael Ironside, we can continue into plot and all the spoilers!

Bruno, shockingly, is about Bruno (Sacha Baron Cohen) a fashion correspondent and host of the fashion show "Funkyzeit". From Klagenfurt, Austria, Bruno is the hottest, gay 19 year old in every German speaking country...except Germany. He dates a pygmy Asian named Diesel. I will repeat that. Bruno dates a pygmy Asian named Diesel. Now, that's fine and all but, do I really need to see them fucking? Like...really? I was on the verge of tears. No, not from laughter. But from the development of the fear of pygmy Asians trying to violate my chili ring with a dildo attached to an excercise bike or, by its technical nam e: Deargodthoseexceedlinglytinymotherfuckersarecomingtogetmewhileislumberphobia. Oh, and I wasn't kidding about the exercise bike with a dildo attached. They really put that in a movie. Thanks Caligula.

So after the fiasco of wearing a Velcro suit at fashion week in Milan (like in the preview! How funny that a movie would show the only mildly funny parts it has in its preview!), Bruno is ostracized from the fashion world and sets out to become a celebrity in America. Diesel dumps Bruno in the airport, that scary pygmy freak, so Bruno leaves with his assistant's assistant Lutz, who is also clearly gay.

They make it to LA where Bruno decides to be an actor. After a contrived and clearly staged audition in front of one of Hollywood's most prestigious agents, he opts to be a talk show host instead, interviewing celebrities. It was at this point that I began to feel sick, as any straight man often does in a situation where they are forced to look at another man's hangdown.

They do a screening of Bruno's pitch for a show to an oblivious focus group. So it's almost funny, awkward dancing, weird accents, har har har, the n BOOM! A dick, 1,000 x's its normal size being projected onto the screen. Spinning, flopping and everything you never, ever want to see. Then it "looks" at you and it screams BRUNO! Yes, the dick talks and it talks directly to you, the audience member.

I'm not sure if it's possible to develop PTSD from a movie, but I'm almost certain I have. I wake up in a cold sweat, shaking, clawing at the walls and windows screaming about talking dicks and meat spins. It started with Something About Mary. How'd you get your beans over your frank? Yeah, show that disgusting nub coming out of your fly Ben Stiller, that'll break the bank. Then, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Awesome movie, except, for the copious amount of dick. What is it with you people? Are there avid movie goers writing to producers saying, you know what...I might have liked your movie but, there was a marked lack of penii. Fuck you.

Meanwhile, Bruno, after his pitch fails (surprise) decides to turn to charity. So he goes to the middle east to resolve the whole Israel/Palestine conflict. It's a wonder he didn't get a scimtar shoved up his ass over there by the way he acted. May be if I go for the ultimate shock factor, and call random civilians terrorists in the middle east, people will like my movie! No Sacha. You're a dumbass.

I'm not going to even go into detail on the next part beca use if you've been in earshot of a TV for the past year, you've heard:

"...I decided to give the baby like, a traditional African name: OJ."

"WHAT!?"

He has a black baby and is racially slurring in front of an all black audience! HAHAHA! Whoa! Start up the roflcopter cause im falling off my lolerblades from laughing so hard! Come on kit kat, give me a fucking break. How starved for humor is our society when we start to find such blatant attacks hilarious? Humor is supposed to be subtle and sharp, not this bullshit bulldozer approach. Hitler would've been proud of your comical blitzkrieg, Bruno. Dolt.

Back to the story, child services take OJ away. As a result, Bruno commits carbocide (eating copious amounts of pie, seriously stop, you're getting too funny). Lutz finds him and carries him back to the hotel room. They wake up handcuffed in a homoerotic position. So obviously they had to get on a crowded bus. Because public transportation isn't shitty enough.

They get in a fight because Lutz is in love with Bruno and Bruno says he had Carbgoggles on so he had no clue what he was doing. Carbgoggles. Ugh. Seriously, I'm gonna have a coronary if I laugh any harder. They split up. Bruno decides that the only way he can be famous is if he becomes straight. Is...is that light at the end of the tunnel? The Gay - O - Meter actually started to go down!

So in order to be straight, Bruno decides to go to a swinger's party, then go hunting with a group of redneck hunters. Because there are few things as manly as double stuffing a chick then shooting a 12 point buck for dessert. Yes, that's what Europeans think Americans do on the weekends. Once again, thanks for the too true social commentary Cohen.

After both attempts fail at turning Bruno straight (surprise) he spends 8 months becoming a UFC fighter named Straight Dave whose mantra consists of such golden phrases as "Fuck Faggots" and "I hate faggots". Do I smell another social commentary? Yes! Yes I do! Oh how you've outdone yourself this time Sacha! How quaint.

Amidst the choruses echoing Straight Dave's queerbashing, someone in the crowd calls him a faggot. He calls him out. ::gasp:: IT'S LUTZ! So Lutz gets in the octagon to duke it out with Straight Dave. They fight, then....no....no it can't be....yes. Yes, Lutz and Bruno start making out and ripping each others' clothes off. It gets too graphic to continue describing. I will leave this as the wrap up to the plot:

(not pictured: the consequent explosion of the Gay - O - Meter from sheer overload)

So that's the whole movie.

Now listen, I understand that Sacha Baron Cohen's style is to go for the low punches for sheer shock value but under the guise of social commentary? That's low, even for him. He's making bank off of the fact that people will go pay to see him say all the terrible things you think when you're pissed off and want to take out your aggression on someone of a different race, religion or sexual preference. Admittedly, it is funny some of the time. But think back to Borat, everyone criticized him for saying or doing all the things he did. How did he respond? He was trying to show the world how insensitive America was to other cultures and countries in general. He laughed all the way to the bank, making fun of the very people who were paying to see the movie. He was blatantly coming out and calling the audiences of America dumb and they ate that shit up. Hilarious right? Now Bruno (what's with the B names by the way?) is telling us how insensitive we are to gay people. But instead of doing it with wit or any semblance of intelligence, he went the lowbrow route and bombarded the audience with gratuitously homosexual situations which just come off as off putting instead of funny. It's just an awkward film that he will tell the media he is using as a device to educate the world. It's fucking low and he'll make more money than you can imagine.

The moral: Bruno fucking sucks and so does Sacha Baron Cohen.

Why He's Just Not That Into You Sucked

Usually when a guy hangs out with a girl and the girl suggests watching a movie, they don't pick something that will visually inject estrogen into the guy's system. This past weekend was the sorry exception.

I'm sitting there and the girl I was hanging out with was all, "let's watch a movie!" so I agreed. She said she had picked up this movie earlier and that she'd never seen it but heard it was really funny. So she puts the movie in, sits back down on the couch and chapter skips the previews. Then this comes on:


She's lucky I was too busy frantically trying to find something to slit my wrists with at the sight of the main menu or I surely would've punched her in the throat. After I couldn't find anything to get the job done, I took a deep breath and, like any guy would and does, just looked at her and said, "really?" She insisted it was going to be good. I insisted that it was going to be as enjoyable as eating one of those chalky tasting motherfuckers that the title was printed on. It's almost as if the producers were all like, 'how can we pre-warn men that this movie is going to make their balls evaporate?' They clearly know that other than sex, food speaks to men. And every guy hates those disgusting heart shaped valentine's candies right? It's perfect. Well, I read you loud and clear producers. Let's begin.

He's Just Not That Into You is one of those really original movies that has not only one plotline, but a clusterfuckmillion (coughCrashcough). And not only are there so many interesting and character driven plots but, they all relate to one another (coughBabelcough). But of course there has to be one plot to which the rest branch off of and that is the story of Gigi or, Fugly, as to how she will now be referred to in the rest of the review.

Fugly (Ginnifer Goodwin) is lonely. At the start of the movie she goes on blind date with Conor (Kevin Connolly) who looks like Eric from Entourage. Oh wait. That's right, they got Eric from Entourage to be in a terrible romantic comedy. Awesome. So Fugly thinks it goes swimmingly while Conor is clearly disinterested. Why? Probably because Fugly is really fucking annoying and has a dumb laugh. So they part ways with the awkward friend hug. Didn't see that coming. Fugly immediately calls her girlfriends to excitedly and poor actingly explain how well the date went while Conor gets on his phone to call UH OH Anna.

Anna (Scarlett Johansson) is a slut, as you come to find out. So Slutty McSpreadsherlegs is grocery shopping while on the phone with Conor when she suddenly meets Ben (Bradley Cooper). They start flirting as soon as she hangs up on Conor. Hilarious. She gives him her life story outside the grocery store (no she really does) and we find out she's an aspiring singer. How coincidental that Ben works with a music agent! So he gives her his card though it's clear he's just giving her his number so they can bump uglies later on his desk. We also find out that Ben's married. Which makes him an asshole. And the man. They part ways after at least fifteen minutes of eye fucking. Ben gets into his friend Neil's truck.

Neil is played by Ben Affleck. It was at this time that I felt my scrotum shaping itself into a vagina. Because apparently Ben affleck just has that effect. Little did I know that this movie was going to get worse. Much worse. So Neil, has been dating Beth (Jennifer Aniston) for seven years. Beth wants to get married. Neil doesn't believe in marriage. They have a small tiff about it. Surely it won't come up again.

Conor gets back to his apartment where his roommate Alex is watching TV. Alex (Justin Long) is a dick. And it's admittedly awesome except he looks a lot like that guy from these commercials. Oh wait. It is. Anyway, Conor says nothing about Fugly because I mean, why would you? But just starts bitching about Anna. Alex tells his he's an idiot. He is.

The next day we come to find that Fugly works with Janine (Jennifer Connolly) and NO WAY! BETH!? See how everything relates? Eh? Eh? How clever is that? That all the girls in the movie work together. Except for Anna...I wonder where she comes in? Oh. That's coming folks. Don't you worry. This ship's about to go down to funkytown.


As if the three witches from Hamlet all working together in the same office isn't bad enough, they discuss and share their ideas of men and their deep and intimate knowledge of the male psyche. Shockingly, they have no clue what they're talking about. I mean look at this picture. Here's what they're saying:

Fugly: Do you think this enormous purse will help me find my true love?
Beth: God she's so fugly...
Janine: Hmmmm. How did I win an Oscar when I still do poses like this when I'm supposed to be thinking? Hmmmmm.

See? They know nothing about men. Idiots. So, Fugly tells the other two about her perfect date with Conor and how madly in love she is with him and how perfect he is and everything else a stalker writes in their rape notebook. Fugly leaves an awkward message on Conor's voicemail and Beth bitches about not being married to Neil. End scene. Oh and I wasn't joking about the stalker thing. That night she goes to a bar that Conor casually mentioned he sometimes goes to, in hopes she would "just run into him" or as the police would it "kidnap and chain him to a radiator in her apartment". So she goes there and who's the bartender? No. No. No it's not. Yes! It is Alex! Conor's roommate! Wow. Just when I thought you couldn't get anymore clever. Can't you just smell the delicious dramatic irony? We, the audience, knows Alex is Conor's roommate but Fugly doesn't! Here's how the exchange goes:

Alex: Can I get you something to drink?
Fugly: No I'm meeting someone.
Alex: Oh yeah what's his name?
Fugly: Conor...
Alex: Conor Barry?
Fugly: ...yeah...actually...
Alex: Oh well, he's not coming here tonight. Want me to call him?
Fugly: NOOOOOO!!!!!

Raise your hand if you've ever carried such a detailed conversation out with a bartender the second you sit down. Anyone? No. You haven't. Because normal non psychopath people don't do that. And what's with Alex's invasive questioning? Pump the brakes Dan Rather. Anyway, Fugly admits she was just hoping to see Conor, not actually meeting him there. Alex tells her she's a pathetic bitch and should forget about Conor. She is and she does.

Remember Anna? Well she has a best friend named Mary. Mary is played by Drew Barrymore. As if this movie could not possibly get any more terrible, the casting director said nope. We need the DB bomb. Anna tells Mary all about Ben and how amazing he is but that he's married. Anna calls his number on the card anyway. Why? She's a slut. Ben shuts her down hilariously because, again, he's married. But then he says fuck it like two days later. Why? Probably because Scarlett Johansson is really fucking hot and conceivably better looking than his wife. But, who could he be married to? They haven't introduced her yet and there isn't a character we've met that's said whether or not they're sing--OH SHIT! JANINE!? IS IT JANINE!? IS BEN MARRIED TO JANINE!?

Yes. They really cast Bradley Cooper as husband to Jennifer Connolly. Okay. Let's just look at the facts here. You're Bradley Cooper and you're married to Jennifer Connolly but Scarlett Johansson wants to fuck your brains out. What do you do? For you visual learners, I've made this:




That, is what you do. And Ben does. He does Anna. Which marks the beginning of the end for every single plotline. I can't wait. Here we go.

Firstly, Beth breaks up with Neil because he won't marry her. They're both sad. Conor gets pissed at Anna because they're kindasorta dating but she won't bang him. Ben tells Janine he railed Anna except Janine, instead of divorcing him, tries to win him back by going to his work and banging him. Which is hilarious because moments before Janine walks in, Ben is dry humping Anna on his desk. Then he throws her in the closet while he plows his wife! What a fiend. So after that, Anna says fuck you to Ben and they stop hooking up. Mary can't find love because she's Drew Barrymore and finally Fugly finds she's interested in Alex the bartender but when she makes a move, he totally shoots her down like the scarred, junkyard dog she is. So everyone's unhappy! It should've ended right there. But it didn't. Of course. So here's the ending. Sigh.

Beth takes Neil back because she wants to be with him even if they're not married, overcoming their differences and sacrificing her wishes for the marriage but Neil says you know what? No. Fuck it. We're getting married. So they do. After being hurt by Ben, Anna the Skank runs back into Conor's arms but then realizes it's Eric from Entourage and heads for the hills. She winds up alone. Janine divorces Ben. They both wind up alone. Drew Barrymore meets Conor and they wind up together. And surprise, surprise Fugly and Alex wind up together with Keane playing in the background. Because when I think romance, I think guitarless rock. But after they kiss comes this line that absolutely made me want to projectile vomit all over the TV and the girl next to me.

The whole movie Alex has been coaching Fugly on how to read guys. And he says that girls tell other girls stories about how they fell in love against all astronomical odds, which poisons girls minds because it makes them think that situation is the Rule and not the Exception. Alex verbally bitchslaps her in the face and says, 'listen you ugly hound. the rule is that youre going to wind up alone because you're really fucking annoying. Finding love is the exception.' and she's all 'but if I seem witty, psychotic and relatable to the audience, everyone will root for me throughout this terrible, terrible film!'. I didn't. Also, Alex turns out to be quite the player which would explain his whole jaded outlook on love.

Knowing that, here's the line at the end of the movie. Fugly breaks their dramatic kiss and whispers in a sudden epiphany:

"I'm the exception..."

And without missing a single, fucking beat. Alex replies:

"No, you're my exception."

Because they'd both finally found love. Kill me. And then it just kind of ends like that. There's more but I can't go on. It's easily one of the worst romantic comedies of all time. The cast is apalling and the acting is subpar for the casts' already terrible reputations save Jennifer Connolly and Scarlett Johansson. Shame on you two.

The moral: This movie sucks.

Why The Hangover Didn't Suck

I recently saw Todd Phillips' The Hangover. I won't lie, it was hilarious. Usually I have way more fun ripping movies apart but I couldn't really find anything wrong with this one. It was just a funny film. Here's a couple reasons why:

1. Zach Galifianakis
2. Asians
3. Nudity
4. Zach Galifianakis and Asian Nudity

And that's only a couple. If you're unfamiliar with Zach Galifianakis then you should look here or here. If you're unfamiliar with Asians, then you should look here.

The plot of The Hangover is very simple to follow and all too familiar to people who are heavy drinkers or, as it's said in French, "cool". Doug (Justin Bartha) is getting married. So he, like any guy with half a brain, has a bachelor party. Not just any bachelor party though. A Vegas bachelor party, with his two friends, Stu (Ed Helms) and Phil (Bradley Cooper) along with his brother-in-law to be, Alan (Zach Galifianakis). So they get there, start drinking and then it cuts to the next morning. Doug, is missing. So the three friends have to find him in time to get home for the wedding.

I'm not going to ruin anything because you really ought to see it. Ladies, two words: Bradley Cooper. Men, two words: Heather Graham. Yes. She's in it. Along with Mike Tyson (as if you didn't know that from the trailer). So there's really nothing wrong with this movie. Just go see it. Here's to you, The Hangover.

Why Twilight Sucked

I figured that for my first post, I would talk about a movie I watched last night. Now, I'd heard that Twilight sucked from a lot of people but I had to know for sure. Within the first minute, I immediately regretted said decision. Let's begin.

Twilight is based off of a ridiculously popular book series about these vampires named the Cullens and this human chick named Bella who basically turns out to be their pet. Why is it so popular? I have no clue. Here's a list of basic facts you should know about Twilight before you continue this review or even think about renting the movie.

1. They can move about in daylight. When the sun hits their skin, it "looks like diamonds" (really).
2. The Cullens don't drink the blood of humans. They hunt animals.
   
3. The Cullens only make vampires out of people who are dying so they don't force the "burden" they bear on anyone unwilling.
4. You become a vampire due to "venom" from their fangs.
5. Oh wait, they don't have fucking fangs.

Okay, so, not only are they breaking every single vampire rule ever created, but they didn't even improve on vampiric theory. They destroyed it. Their skin looks like diamonds? In sunlight!? Really? Is that what happens? I'm pretty sure if you've seen or read any vampire related thing ever, their skin doesn't look like diamonds. No, I'm pretty sure their skin bursts into fucking flames. Then, to add insult to injury, they don't drink the blood of humans. Are you kidding me? There's only one other vampire I can think of that hunted animals and it was Louis from Interview with the Vampire. And it wasn't because he took this pussy, non-human-hunting vampire oath. It's because he wasn't ready to kill humans yet. But eventually, he did. Why? Because that's what real vampires do. Another thing real vampires do is not give a shit, about anything. Let alone whether or not their prey is "willing" to become a vampire or not. Most of the time, vampires could just care less. Why? Because they're fucking badasses. That's why. What with their powers, heightened senses, fangs--oh wait. The vampires in Twilight don't have fangs. I will repeat that. The vampires in Twilight don't have fucking fangs. The one staple in vampire history that you do not fuck with, and easily the most recognizable attribute of any monster, are the fangs of a vampire. And they don't have them. Great. So armed with this knowledge, we can look to the movie. Here we go...

"I had never given much thought to how I would die. But dying in the place of someone I love seems like a pretty good way to go."

No, really. That's the first line. It was about this time that I MacGyvered up a device to allow myself to finish this train wreck. If I was going to watch this, I was in for the long haul.


The narrator of this entire thing is Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), a girl from Phoenix who moves up to bumfuck Washington State to live with her dad because her mom's a whore. Not really, but I like to pretend that's why she moved. So she goes to this new school where all the dudes hit on her cause they're tired of banging their family members in such a small town, but she's just so oblivious because she's so normal. Then she meets Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), the "weird but gorgeous boy" who keeps to himself and who hilariously treats her like shit. Well, more specifically, treats her like she smells like shit. She gets pissed, blah, blah, blah. Same old story. Then they start flirting in Biology one day over the stages of mitosis of onion stalks. Because nothing gets me going like the division of cells in onions. That same day Bella almost gets hit by an out of control van but is saved by, you guessed it, Edward Cullen. Here's a clip:



Wow. How lucky. So after that, Bella basically falls head over heels for her savior. Which is weird considering he starts wearing this weird Nazi looking overcoat everywhere after that and staring at her like David Blaine stares at the camera after every trick he does.




They wind up dating and all that nonsense. And then, in the middle of the movie, I hear this line:

"About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him, and I didn't know how dominate that part might be, that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."

Are you joking? No. Really, like, are you kidding me? First and foremost, what 17 year old girl uses the word irrevocably? Like, ever. Second, you're positive he's a vampire? Was it the diamond skin or the lack of fangs that tipped you off? I pretty much threw up after I heard that. Then came the baseball game.

Bella goes to play baseball with the Cullens during a thunderstorm, like every normal family often does. They have to play during storms because they're just so strong being vampires and all, that the immense crack of the ball off the bat can only be covered up by thunder. Give me a break. Then, dun dun DUN! The bad vampires come. And by bad, I meant real.

Throughout the whole movie, these weird murders have been occurring where people are getting "attacked by animals", which is code for "falling prey to badass vampires". So la dee da, thunderstorm baseball game is going swimmingly then BAM these badasses come out of the woods:



So Kurt Cobain, Will.i.am and Bjork turn out to be the murderers that the humans have deemed animal attacks. Surprise. So then they're like hey can we play? Because apparently baseball after feasting is like a cigarette after sex for vampires. And the Cullens are like...I mean...I guess. But whoops, the badasses smell Bella and this huge battle ensues. Oh wait. I'm sorry, that's what would've happened if this was a real vampire movie. Nope. They smell her then pretty much give them the cliche villain "heh, we'll see you later." and everyone walks away. Really.

Since they really got into character and plot development, it would make sense that the villains made it their mission at the perils of death to kill Bella when they're literally surrounded by a town of other humans they could kill. So the Cullens decide they have to run Bella back to Arizona where she'll be safe. She's not.

Kurt Cobain finds Bella and lures her to this ballet studio she used to dance at with all these mirrors so she can't tell where he is. Which is so original for a final showdown to somehow involve mirrors (See Enter the Dragon, The Man with the Golden Gun and uh, every action/horror movie of all time).

So Kurt Cobain is about to kill her, then shockingly, Edward shows up. A really dumb fight scene occurs which just winds up looking like a gay-undead porno. I half expected the guys to kiss while they were grappling. So, again shockingly, Edward wins the fight, saves the day and they go back to Washington to live happily ever after. But first things first: Prom night!


Yeah. They really ended it like that. Then Bjork shows up at the prom to make room for a sequel. God help us.

There are few movies I can remember that I simply sat there with my mouth agape as the credits rolled. Twilight was one of those films. The sheer stupidity makes my brain ache. Years from now on my death bed, my kids will ask me "Dad? Do you regret anything?" and I'll say, "Yes children. I regret wasting a dollar at redbox to see Twilight and the 122 minutes I will never, ever get back." And then I'll die. Because my brain will explode remembering such a fucktastically awful film at such an old age. Thanks Twilight. You just killed an old man.