Why Bruno Sucked

pe⋅nis (pinɪs) - the male organ of copulation and, in mammals, of urinary excretion. Also referred to as something I really, really don't need to see in a movie ever, ever again. Ever.

If you're looking for one of the reasons Bruno sucked, then please look no further than that definition. I cannot stress to you how absolutely scarred I am from this film is oh, so many ways. Let's begin.

So for this review, I found it necessary to create a way to monitor how absolutely gay the film was. As such, I've created this:

Throughout the review, I will be keeping you posted on the gayness via the handy dandy Gay - O - Meter. But first, some preliminary facts one should know before continuing. This is mostly for the ladies in the audience to fully understand the straight man's fear...of other men.

This is what all straight men are reduced to at the sight of another man's penis for more than .046 seconds as recorded in a study by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater and his colleague James Westfall. (not pictured: the brick he just shat) Needless to say, Bruno has a lot of dick in it. Like, .046 seconds is a joke to this film. If every straight guy saw Bruno in 1906, the male populous could have collectively shit enough bricks to rebuild San Fra ncisco after the quake. But now, in 2009, this is pretty much what happened to every guy who's seen Bruno:

Yeah. So now that you know that seeing this film is about as safe as getting in a barfight with Michael Ironside, we can continue into plot and all the spoilers!

Bruno, shockingly, is about Bruno (Sacha Baron Cohen) a fashion correspondent and host of the fashion show "Funkyzeit". From Klagenfurt, Austria, Bruno is the hottest, gay 19 year old in every German speaking country...except Germany. He dates a pygmy Asian named Diesel. I will repeat that. Bruno dates a pygmy Asian named Diesel. Now, that's fine and all but, do I really need to see them fucking? Like...really? I was on the verge of tears. No, not from laughter. But from the development of the fear of pygmy Asians trying to violate my chili ring with a dildo attached to an excercise bike or, by its technical nam e: Deargodthoseexceedlinglytinymotherfuckersarecomingtogetmewhileislumberphobia. Oh, and I wasn't kidding about the exercise bike with a dildo attached. They really put that in a movie. Thanks Caligula.

So after the fiasco of wearing a Velcro suit at fashion week in Milan (like in the preview! How funny that a movie would show the only mildly funny parts it has in its preview!), Bruno is ostracized from the fashion world and sets out to become a celebrity in America. Diesel dumps Bruno in the airport, that scary pygmy freak, so Bruno leaves with his assistant's assistant Lutz, who is also clearly gay.

They make it to LA where Bruno decides to be an actor. After a contrived and clearly staged audition in front of one of Hollywood's most prestigious agents, he opts to be a talk show host instead, interviewing celebrities. It was at this point that I began to feel sick, as any straight man often does in a situation where they are forced to look at another man's hangdown.

They do a screening of Bruno's pitch for a show to an oblivious focus group. So it's almost funny, awkward dancing, weird accents, har har har, the n BOOM! A dick, 1,000 x's its normal size being projected onto the screen. Spinning, flopping and everything you never, ever want to see. Then it "looks" at you and it screams BRUNO! Yes, the dick talks and it talks directly to you, the audience member.

I'm not sure if it's possible to develop PTSD from a movie, but I'm almost certain I have. I wake up in a cold sweat, shaking, clawing at the walls and windows screaming about talking dicks and meat spins. It started with Something About Mary. How'd you get your beans over your frank? Yeah, show that disgusting nub coming out of your fly Ben Stiller, that'll break the bank. Then, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Awesome movie, except, for the copious amount of dick. What is it with you people? Are there avid movie goers writing to producers saying, you know what...I might have liked your movie but, there was a marked lack of penii. Fuck you.

Meanwhile, Bruno, after his pitch fails (surprise) decides to turn to charity. So he goes to the middle east to resolve the whole Israel/Palestine conflict. It's a wonder he didn't get a scimtar shoved up his ass over there by the way he acted. May be if I go for the ultimate shock factor, and call random civilians terrorists in the middle east, people will like my movie! No Sacha. You're a dumbass.

I'm not going to even go into detail on the next part beca use if you've been in earshot of a TV for the past year, you've heard:

"...I decided to give the baby like, a traditional African name: OJ."

"WHAT!?"

He has a black baby and is racially slurring in front of an all black audience! HAHAHA! Whoa! Start up the roflcopter cause im falling off my lolerblades from laughing so hard! Come on kit kat, give me a fucking break. How starved for humor is our society when we start to find such blatant attacks hilarious? Humor is supposed to be subtle and sharp, not this bullshit bulldozer approach. Hitler would've been proud of your comical blitzkrieg, Bruno. Dolt.

Back to the story, child services take OJ away. As a result, Bruno commits carbocide (eating copious amounts of pie, seriously stop, you're getting too funny). Lutz finds him and carries him back to the hotel room. They wake up handcuffed in a homoerotic position. So obviously they had to get on a crowded bus. Because public transportation isn't shitty enough.

They get in a fight because Lutz is in love with Bruno and Bruno says he had Carbgoggles on so he had no clue what he was doing. Carbgoggles. Ugh. Seriously, I'm gonna have a coronary if I laugh any harder. They split up. Bruno decides that the only way he can be famous is if he becomes straight. Is...is that light at the end of the tunnel? The Gay - O - Meter actually started to go down!

So in order to be straight, Bruno decides to go to a swinger's party, then go hunting with a group of redneck hunters. Because there are few things as manly as double stuffing a chick then shooting a 12 point buck for dessert. Yes, that's what Europeans think Americans do on the weekends. Once again, thanks for the too true social commentary Cohen.

After both attempts fail at turning Bruno straight (surprise) he spends 8 months becoming a UFC fighter named Straight Dave whose mantra consists of such golden phrases as "Fuck Faggots" and "I hate faggots". Do I smell another social commentary? Yes! Yes I do! Oh how you've outdone yourself this time Sacha! How quaint.

Amidst the choruses echoing Straight Dave's queerbashing, someone in the crowd calls him a faggot. He calls him out. ::gasp:: IT'S LUTZ! So Lutz gets in the octagon to duke it out with Straight Dave. They fight, then....no....no it can't be....yes. Yes, Lutz and Bruno start making out and ripping each others' clothes off. It gets too graphic to continue describing. I will leave this as the wrap up to the plot:

(not pictured: the consequent explosion of the Gay - O - Meter from sheer overload)

So that's the whole movie.

Now listen, I understand that Sacha Baron Cohen's style is to go for the low punches for sheer shock value but under the guise of social commentary? That's low, even for him. He's making bank off of the fact that people will go pay to see him say all the terrible things you think when you're pissed off and want to take out your aggression on someone of a different race, religion or sexual preference. Admittedly, it is funny some of the time. But think back to Borat, everyone criticized him for saying or doing all the things he did. How did he respond? He was trying to show the world how insensitive America was to other cultures and countries in general. He laughed all the way to the bank, making fun of the very people who were paying to see the movie. He was blatantly coming out and calling the audiences of America dumb and they ate that shit up. Hilarious right? Now Bruno (what's with the B names by the way?) is telling us how insensitive we are to gay people. But instead of doing it with wit or any semblance of intelligence, he went the lowbrow route and bombarded the audience with gratuitously homosexual situations which just come off as off putting instead of funny. It's just an awkward film that he will tell the media he is using as a device to educate the world. It's fucking low and he'll make more money than you can imagine.

The moral: Bruno fucking sucks and so does Sacha Baron Cohen.

Why He's Just Not That Into You Sucked

Usually when a guy hangs out with a girl and the girl suggests watching a movie, they don't pick something that will visually inject estrogen into the guy's system. This past weekend was the sorry exception.

I'm sitting there and the girl I was hanging out with was all, "let's watch a movie!" so I agreed. She said she had picked up this movie earlier and that she'd never seen it but heard it was really funny. So she puts the movie in, sits back down on the couch and chapter skips the previews. Then this comes on:


She's lucky I was too busy frantically trying to find something to slit my wrists with at the sight of the main menu or I surely would've punched her in the throat. After I couldn't find anything to get the job done, I took a deep breath and, like any guy would and does, just looked at her and said, "really?" She insisted it was going to be good. I insisted that it was going to be as enjoyable as eating one of those chalky tasting motherfuckers that the title was printed on. It's almost as if the producers were all like, 'how can we pre-warn men that this movie is going to make their balls evaporate?' They clearly know that other than sex, food speaks to men. And every guy hates those disgusting heart shaped valentine's candies right? It's perfect. Well, I read you loud and clear producers. Let's begin.

He's Just Not That Into You is one of those really original movies that has not only one plotline, but a clusterfuckmillion (coughCrashcough). And not only are there so many interesting and character driven plots but, they all relate to one another (coughBabelcough). But of course there has to be one plot to which the rest branch off of and that is the story of Gigi or, Fugly, as to how she will now be referred to in the rest of the review.

Fugly (Ginnifer Goodwin) is lonely. At the start of the movie she goes on blind date with Conor (Kevin Connolly) who looks like Eric from Entourage. Oh wait. That's right, they got Eric from Entourage to be in a terrible romantic comedy. Awesome. So Fugly thinks it goes swimmingly while Conor is clearly disinterested. Why? Probably because Fugly is really fucking annoying and has a dumb laugh. So they part ways with the awkward friend hug. Didn't see that coming. Fugly immediately calls her girlfriends to excitedly and poor actingly explain how well the date went while Conor gets on his phone to call UH OH Anna.

Anna (Scarlett Johansson) is a slut, as you come to find out. So Slutty McSpreadsherlegs is grocery shopping while on the phone with Conor when she suddenly meets Ben (Bradley Cooper). They start flirting as soon as she hangs up on Conor. Hilarious. She gives him her life story outside the grocery store (no she really does) and we find out she's an aspiring singer. How coincidental that Ben works with a music agent! So he gives her his card though it's clear he's just giving her his number so they can bump uglies later on his desk. We also find out that Ben's married. Which makes him an asshole. And the man. They part ways after at least fifteen minutes of eye fucking. Ben gets into his friend Neil's truck.

Neil is played by Ben Affleck. It was at this time that I felt my scrotum shaping itself into a vagina. Because apparently Ben affleck just has that effect. Little did I know that this movie was going to get worse. Much worse. So Neil, has been dating Beth (Jennifer Aniston) for seven years. Beth wants to get married. Neil doesn't believe in marriage. They have a small tiff about it. Surely it won't come up again.

Conor gets back to his apartment where his roommate Alex is watching TV. Alex (Justin Long) is a dick. And it's admittedly awesome except he looks a lot like that guy from these commercials. Oh wait. It is. Anyway, Conor says nothing about Fugly because I mean, why would you? But just starts bitching about Anna. Alex tells his he's an idiot. He is.

The next day we come to find that Fugly works with Janine (Jennifer Connolly) and NO WAY! BETH!? See how everything relates? Eh? Eh? How clever is that? That all the girls in the movie work together. Except for Anna...I wonder where she comes in? Oh. That's coming folks. Don't you worry. This ship's about to go down to funkytown.


As if the three witches from Hamlet all working together in the same office isn't bad enough, they discuss and share their ideas of men and their deep and intimate knowledge of the male psyche. Shockingly, they have no clue what they're talking about. I mean look at this picture. Here's what they're saying:

Fugly: Do you think this enormous purse will help me find my true love?
Beth: God she's so fugly...
Janine: Hmmmm. How did I win an Oscar when I still do poses like this when I'm supposed to be thinking? Hmmmmm.

See? They know nothing about men. Idiots. So, Fugly tells the other two about her perfect date with Conor and how madly in love she is with him and how perfect he is and everything else a stalker writes in their rape notebook. Fugly leaves an awkward message on Conor's voicemail and Beth bitches about not being married to Neil. End scene. Oh and I wasn't joking about the stalker thing. That night she goes to a bar that Conor casually mentioned he sometimes goes to, in hopes she would "just run into him" or as the police would it "kidnap and chain him to a radiator in her apartment". So she goes there and who's the bartender? No. No. No it's not. Yes! It is Alex! Conor's roommate! Wow. Just when I thought you couldn't get anymore clever. Can't you just smell the delicious dramatic irony? We, the audience, knows Alex is Conor's roommate but Fugly doesn't! Here's how the exchange goes:

Alex: Can I get you something to drink?
Fugly: No I'm meeting someone.
Alex: Oh yeah what's his name?
Fugly: Conor...
Alex: Conor Barry?
Fugly: ...yeah...actually...
Alex: Oh well, he's not coming here tonight. Want me to call him?
Fugly: NOOOOOO!!!!!

Raise your hand if you've ever carried such a detailed conversation out with a bartender the second you sit down. Anyone? No. You haven't. Because normal non psychopath people don't do that. And what's with Alex's invasive questioning? Pump the brakes Dan Rather. Anyway, Fugly admits she was just hoping to see Conor, not actually meeting him there. Alex tells her she's a pathetic bitch and should forget about Conor. She is and she does.

Remember Anna? Well she has a best friend named Mary. Mary is played by Drew Barrymore. As if this movie could not possibly get any more terrible, the casting director said nope. We need the DB bomb. Anna tells Mary all about Ben and how amazing he is but that he's married. Anna calls his number on the card anyway. Why? She's a slut. Ben shuts her down hilariously because, again, he's married. But then he says fuck it like two days later. Why? Probably because Scarlett Johansson is really fucking hot and conceivably better looking than his wife. But, who could he be married to? They haven't introduced her yet and there isn't a character we've met that's said whether or not they're sing--OH SHIT! JANINE!? IS IT JANINE!? IS BEN MARRIED TO JANINE!?

Yes. They really cast Bradley Cooper as husband to Jennifer Connolly. Okay. Let's just look at the facts here. You're Bradley Cooper and you're married to Jennifer Connolly but Scarlett Johansson wants to fuck your brains out. What do you do? For you visual learners, I've made this:




That, is what you do. And Ben does. He does Anna. Which marks the beginning of the end for every single plotline. I can't wait. Here we go.

Firstly, Beth breaks up with Neil because he won't marry her. They're both sad. Conor gets pissed at Anna because they're kindasorta dating but she won't bang him. Ben tells Janine he railed Anna except Janine, instead of divorcing him, tries to win him back by going to his work and banging him. Which is hilarious because moments before Janine walks in, Ben is dry humping Anna on his desk. Then he throws her in the closet while he plows his wife! What a fiend. So after that, Anna says fuck you to Ben and they stop hooking up. Mary can't find love because she's Drew Barrymore and finally Fugly finds she's interested in Alex the bartender but when she makes a move, he totally shoots her down like the scarred, junkyard dog she is. So everyone's unhappy! It should've ended right there. But it didn't. Of course. So here's the ending. Sigh.

Beth takes Neil back because she wants to be with him even if they're not married, overcoming their differences and sacrificing her wishes for the marriage but Neil says you know what? No. Fuck it. We're getting married. So they do. After being hurt by Ben, Anna the Skank runs back into Conor's arms but then realizes it's Eric from Entourage and heads for the hills. She winds up alone. Janine divorces Ben. They both wind up alone. Drew Barrymore meets Conor and they wind up together. And surprise, surprise Fugly and Alex wind up together with Keane playing in the background. Because when I think romance, I think guitarless rock. But after they kiss comes this line that absolutely made me want to projectile vomit all over the TV and the girl next to me.

The whole movie Alex has been coaching Fugly on how to read guys. And he says that girls tell other girls stories about how they fell in love against all astronomical odds, which poisons girls minds because it makes them think that situation is the Rule and not the Exception. Alex verbally bitchslaps her in the face and says, 'listen you ugly hound. the rule is that youre going to wind up alone because you're really fucking annoying. Finding love is the exception.' and she's all 'but if I seem witty, psychotic and relatable to the audience, everyone will root for me throughout this terrible, terrible film!'. I didn't. Also, Alex turns out to be quite the player which would explain his whole jaded outlook on love.

Knowing that, here's the line at the end of the movie. Fugly breaks their dramatic kiss and whispers in a sudden epiphany:

"I'm the exception..."

And without missing a single, fucking beat. Alex replies:

"No, you're my exception."

Because they'd both finally found love. Kill me. And then it just kind of ends like that. There's more but I can't go on. It's easily one of the worst romantic comedies of all time. The cast is apalling and the acting is subpar for the casts' already terrible reputations save Jennifer Connolly and Scarlett Johansson. Shame on you two.

The moral: This movie sucks.