Usually when a guy hangs out with a girl and the girl suggests watching a movie, they don't pick something that will visually inject estrogen into the guy's system. This past weekend was the sorry exception.
I'm sitting there and the girl I was hanging out with was all, "let's watch a movie!" so I agreed. She said she had picked up this movie earlier and that she'd never seen it but heard it was really funny. So she puts the movie in, sits back down on the couch and chapter skips the previews. Then this comes on:
She's lucky I was too busy frantically trying to find something to slit my wrists with at the sight of the main menu or I surely would've punched her in the throat. After I couldn't find anything to get the job done, I took a deep breath and, like any guy would and does, just looked at her and said, "really?" She insisted it was going to be good. I insisted that it was going to be as enjoyable as eating one of those chalky tasting motherfuckers that the title was printed on. It's almost as if the producers were all like, 'how can we pre-warn men that this movie is going to make their balls evaporate?' They clearly know that other than sex, food speaks to men. And every guy hates those disgusting heart shaped valentine's candies right? It's perfect. Well, I read you loud and clear producers. Let's begin.
He's Just Not That Into You is one of those really original movies that has not only one plotline, but a clusterfuckmillion (coughCrashcough). And not only are there so many
interesting and
character driven plots but, they all relate to one another (coughBabelcough). But of course there has to be one plot to which the rest branch off of and that is the story of Gigi or, Fugly, as to how she will now be referred to in the rest of the review.
Fugly (Ginnifer Goodwin) is lonely. At the start of the movie she goes on blind date with Conor (Kevin Connolly) who looks like Eric from Entourage. Oh wait. That's right, they got Eric from Entourage to be in a terrible romantic comedy.
Awesome. So Fugly thinks it goes swimmingly while Conor is clearly disinterested. Why? Probably because Fugly is really fucking annoying and has a dumb laugh. So they part ways with the awkward friend hug. Didn't see that coming. Fugly immediately calls her girlfriends to excitedly and poor actingly explain how well the date went while Conor gets on
his phone to call UH OH Anna.
Anna (Scarlett Johansson) is a slut, as you come to find out. So Slutty McSpreadsherlegs is grocery shopping while on the phone with Conor when she suddenly meets Ben (Bradley Cooper). They start flirting as soon as she hangs up on Conor. Hilarious. She gives him her life story outside the grocery store (no she really does) and we find out she's an aspiring singer. How coincidental that Ben works with a music agent! So he gives her his card though it's clear he's just giving her his number so they can bump uglies later on his desk. We also find out that Ben's married. Which makes him an asshole. And the man. They part ways after at least fifteen minutes of eye fucking. Ben gets into his friend Neil's truck.
Neil is played by Ben Affleck. It was at this time that I felt my scrotum shaping itself into a vagina. Because apparently Ben affleck just has that effect. Little did I know that this movie was going to get worse. Much worse. So Neil, has been dating Beth (Jennifer Aniston) for seven years. Beth wants to get married. Neil doesn't believe in marriage. They have a small tiff about it.
Surely it won't come up again.
Conor gets back to his apartment where his roommate Alex is watching TV. Alex (Justin Long) is a dick. And it's admittedly awesome except he looks a lot like that guy from
these commercials. Oh wait. It is. Anyway, Conor says nothing about Fugly because I mean, why would you? But just starts bitching about Anna. Alex tells his he's an idiot. He is.
The next day we come to find that Fugly works with Janine (Jennifer Connolly) and NO WAY! BETH!? See how everything relates? Eh? Eh? How clever is that? That all the girls in the movie work together. Except for Anna...I wonder where she comes in? Oh. That's coming folks. Don't you worry. This ship's about to go down to funkytown.
As if the three witches from Hamlet all working together in the same office isn't bad enough, they discuss and share their ideas of men and their
deep and
intimate knowledge of the male psyche. Shockingly, they have no clue what they're talking about. I mean look at this picture. Here's what they're saying:
Fugly: Do you think this enormous purse will help me find my true love?
Beth: God she's so fugly...
Janine: Hmmmm. How did I win an Oscar when I still do poses like this when I'm supposed to be thinking? Hmmmmm.
See? They know nothing about men. Idiots. So, Fugly tells the other two about her perfect date with Conor and how madly in love she is with him and how perfect he is and everything else a stalker writes in their rape notebook. Fugly leaves an awkward message on Conor's voicemail and Beth bitches about not being married to Neil. End scene. Oh and I wasn't joking about the stalker thing. That night she goes to a bar that Conor casually mentioned he sometimes goes to, in hopes she would "just run into him" or as the police would it "kidnap and chain him to a radiator in her apartment". So she goes there and who's the bartender? No. No. No it's not. Yes! It is Alex! Conor's roommate! Wow. Just when I thought you couldn't get anymore clever. Can't you just smell the delicious dramatic irony? We, the audience, knows Alex is Conor's roommate but Fugly doesn't! Here's how the exchange goes:
Alex: Can I get you something to drink?
Fugly: No I'm meeting someone.
Alex: Oh yeah what's his name?
Fugly: Conor...
Alex: Conor Barry?
Fugly: ...yeah...actually...
Alex: Oh well, he's not coming here tonight. Want me to call him?
Fugly: NOOOOOO!!!!!
Raise your hand if you've ever carried such a detailed conversation out with a bartender the second you sit down. Anyone? No. You haven't. Because normal non psychopath people don't do that. And what's with Alex's invasive questioning? Pump the brakes Dan Rather. Anyway, Fugly admits she was just hoping to see Conor, not actually meeting him there. Alex tells her she's a pathetic bitch and should forget about Conor. She is and she does.
Remember Anna? Well she has a best friend named Mary. Mary is played by Drew Barrymore. As if this movie could not possibly get any more terrible, the casting director said nope. We need the DB bomb. Anna tells Mary all about Ben and how amazing he is but that he's married. Anna calls his number on the card anyway. Why? She's a slut. Ben shuts her down hilariously because, again, he's married. But then he says fuck it like two days later. Why? Probably because Scarlett Johansson is really fucking hot and conceivably better looking than his wife. But, who could he be married to? They haven't introduced her yet and there isn't a character we've met that's said whether or not they're sing--OH SHIT! JANINE!? IS IT JANINE!? IS BEN MARRIED TO JANINE!?
Yes. They really cast Bradley Cooper as husband to Jennifer Connolly. Okay. Let's just look at the facts here. You're Bradley Cooper and you're married to Jennifer Connolly but Scarlett Johansson wants to fuck your brains out. What do you do? For you visual learners, I've made this:
That, is what you do. And Ben does. He does Anna. Which marks the beginning of the end for every single plotline. I can't wait. Here we go.
Firstly, Beth breaks up with Neil because he won't marry her. They're both sad. Conor gets pissed at Anna because they're kindasorta dating but she won't bang him. Ben tells Janine he railed Anna except Janine, instead of divorcing him, tries to win him back by going to his work and banging him. Which is hilarious because moments before Janine walks in, Ben is dry humping Anna on his desk. Then he throws her in the closet while he plows his wife! What a fiend. So after that, Anna says fuck you to Ben and they stop hooking up. Mary can't find love because she's Drew Barrymore and finally Fugly finds she's interested in Alex the bartender but when she makes a move, he totally shoots her down like the scarred, junkyard dog she is. So everyone's unhappy! It should've ended right there. But it didn't. Of course. So here's the ending. Sigh.
Beth takes Neil back because she wants to be with him even if they're not married, overcoming their differences and sacrificing her wishes for the marriage but Neil says you know what? No. Fuck it. We're getting married. So they do. After being hurt by Ben, Anna the Skank runs back into Conor's arms but then realizes it's Eric from Entourage and heads for the hills. She winds up alone. Janine divorces Ben. They both wind up alone. Drew Barrymore meets Conor and they wind up together. And surprise, surprise Fugly and Alex wind up together with Keane playing in the background. Because when I think romance, I think guitarless rock. But after they kiss comes this line that absolutely made me want to projectile vomit all over the TV and the girl next to me.
The whole movie Alex has been coaching Fugly on how to read guys. And he says that girls tell other girls stories about how they fell in love against all astronomical odds, which poisons girls minds because it makes them think that situation is the Rule and not the Exception. Alex verbally bitchslaps her in the face and says, 'listen you ugly hound. the rule is that youre going to wind up alone because you're really fucking annoying. Finding love is the exception.' and she's all 'but if I seem witty, psychotic and relatable to the audience, everyone will root for me throughout this terrible, terrible film!'. I didn't. Also, Alex turns out to be quite the player which would explain his whole jaded outlook on love.
Knowing that, here's the line at the end of the movie. Fugly breaks their dramatic kiss and whispers in a sudden epiphany:
"I'm the exception..."
And without missing a single, fucking beat. Alex replies:
"No, you're my exception."
Because they'd both finally found love. Kill me. And then it just kind of ends like that. There's more but I can't go on. It's easily one of the worst romantic comedies of all time. The cast is apalling and the acting is subpar for the casts' already terrible reputations save Jennifer Connolly and Scarlett Johansson. Shame on you two.
The moral: This movie sucks.
Trouble indeed. That is all.
British people make everything better. Their soothing accents, their general who gives a fuck attitude, their teeth. Hell, America was founded by British people. Which was one heck of an improvement over those gross Native Americans. I mean, I'd rather get small pox than live in a Wigwam all year, am I right? Eh? Eh?
"My dog likes peanut butter. What's your name?"
